


Buzzfeed Unsolved: The Mysterious Old Guard

by fartootiredtosleep



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Buzzfeed Unsolved True Crime, Historical References, I spent far too much time on this, No Romance, POV Outsider, no beta we die like men, unfortunately
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:00:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26000779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fartootiredtosleep/pseuds/fartootiredtosleep
Summary: This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved: True Crime, Ryan and Shane cover the elusive band of suspected criminals, known to some as The Old Guard.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 25
Kudos: 293





	Buzzfeed Unsolved: The Mysterious Old Guard

This week on the season finale of Buzzfeed Unsolved we’re doing something a little different. While what we’re covering this week isn’t exactly an unsolved crime, or even an official case, it is a theory that is unsolved and, I have to say, one of my personal favourites.

_Now, Ryan, from the way you’ve introduced that, it sounds like it might be a conspiracy theory. Please tell me you haven’t spent the whole season building up to a conspiracy theory._

Well, I-

_Because honestly I don’t know if I can take that._

Okay, listen, hear me out.

_Oh, for fu-_

Hear me out! Technically, the definition of conspiracy is ‘a secret plan by a group to do something unlawful or harmful’. As this case is weird, but it doesn’t seem to involve any harm to anyone involved...actually, now that I’m saying that…

_I can’t believe you’ve done this to me, man._

Alright, just, listen to the case. I think you’ll like it.

_I doubt that. Very much. Whatever._

Anyway, let’s get into it. In November, 2013, an Albanian news station was given permission to show a picture in an effort to get information about a recent crime case. It was a picture from a CCTV camera of four individuals, standing in the centre of a room, surrounded by what appeared to be dead bodies. It was revealed in the news report that there were, overall, ten bodies, all of which were identified as high-ranking members of the Albanian mob.

_Holy shit._

Yeah, exactly. The image was grainy, but the police report of the incident stated that the night-janitor had seen the group leave the building. The description he gave was ‘four figures, all dressed in black and all but one wearing hoodies. One was female, tall, white, with short brown hair. Another was male, bearded, and,’ (wheeze) ‘possibly asian’. The other two had the hoods of their hoodies up, and he couldn’t really see them.’

_This guy is fucking useless. ‘Possibly asian?’ ‘Couldn’t really see them’? Come on._

(wheeze) hahahaha yeah he-

_Who are these people though? Dressed in black? (gasp) Are they spies?!_

Or something else.

_What?!_

See, knew you’d like it.

_No- that’s not what I- I’m not- Just read your little case file and get on with it._

Obviously, once the news station broadcast this news, it sparked a lot of interest. Especially seeing as the apparent perpetrators were like ghosts: there were no witnesses other than the janitor, the only captured footage of them was the CCTV, which only caught the picture of the four and two seconds of them standing there before being shot out by one of the hooded figures. However, despite the public and increasing international interest in the case, the Albanian police force closed it less than two months after the incident. I have to assume that they kinda decided that cause these guys got rid of some of their main...like…

_Like they let them slide cause they took out the bad guys?_

Something like that.

_Makes sense._

So the case was closed. But in this day and age, nothing is ever over that easily. It was around the time the case was officially closed that it started to gain traction on the internet, and people from all around the globe began to research and way in on the case. Now, this is where it gets, quite frankly, fucking weird. And cool.

_Wool!_

What?

_Weird and cool. Wool._

You interrupted me to say wool?

_I thought it was important to the narrative._

I’m not even gonna justify that with a response. Yeah, so this is where it gets weird and cool-

_Wool._

Sure, buddy. At any rate, the internet began to take an interest in this case. And the supposed identities of the four began to come to light. Now, there are several other possible identities for each person which we simply do not have time to cover, so I’m sticking with the most popular- or the ones that have the most evidence.

_When you say ‘evidence’-_

Okay, first of all, if you keep doing air quotes I will break your fingers.

_Woah! I believe you. Look at his eyes!_

My eyes?

_The eyes of a murderer. Or a finger-breaker._

Bet your sweet ass they are.

_(wheeze)_

Secondly, I know you’re gonna say that a lot of photo and literary evidence can be faked. I know that. But for this volume of evidence to be faked, in such a short amount of time, from, like, two-thirds of all the countries in the world, it seems highly unlikely.

_But not impossible._

Nothing’s impossible.

_Ghosts are impossible._

Keep your skeptic bullshit out of True Crime, dude. So, the first identity is that of the ‘possibly asian’ man. One of the first old photos that surfaced in online communities was of the Stonewall riots, where he is supposedly holding up a sign. It is quite a good match to the police sketch that was released, but what is especially interesting is who he is with. You see that white guy, just on the left?

_Oh, yeah, the guy yelling?_

Yeah, you see the ring he’s wearing?

_Kinda._

Well, it’s the same ring the person shot the CCTV camera out was wearing. I’ll admit, could be a coincidence. But as more and more pictures came flooding in, showing the ‘possibly asian’ man, most of the legit ones-

_Legit?_

Like, proven-not-edited. Most of the not-edited ones also have the white guy in them too. And I’m talking photos from now till ages ago. Like, from when the camera was invented. Before that, there’s what appears to be paintings of them together, and even a tapestry starring both of them. One of the paintings was discovered in Malta, and it is from that we have an idea of what their names could be. The painting was simply titled ‘Y and N’ and it just shows them smiling at each other. Someone that lives in Malta, near where it was found, asked their...I think grandmother about it? And she passed on an old local legend from when she was a girl, about two men, who returned to the town every fifty years, never having aged a day. Their appearance supposedly meant a good harvest the following fall, and their names were Yusuf and Nicoló.

_No last names?_

Seriously?

_Just doesn’t seem very thorough to me._

Oh my God, dude, I literally just told you about two men whose lives are woven throughout history, who’s names we know by some incredible coincidence, and all you have to say is ‘no last names’?!

_That didn’t sound like me at all, you’re getting worse at that. What about the others then, what mysteriously convenient paintings were found for them?_

Okay, so, the tall white woman the janitor described is also dotted throughout photos, she was even spotted at a video of Queen’s Live Aid concert. There are reports of an archeological dig having found a vase with her face on it, but it doesn’t seem too credible. An old recording of someone at the beach shows someone that looks like her in the background, and right at the end, over the voice of the main subject of the video, a voice yells and she looks up.’ It’s hard to make out, but I think it says ‘Andy’. No last name for her either. A lot of the time she’s with Yusuf and Nicoló, as well as two other people. Unfortunately, there isn’t that much on these last two except for that they’re a white man and black woman, and they seem to crop up with the group quite a bit. The guy has been in photos for just as long as the others, but less obviously. He’s usually in the background. The girl, however, I could find next to nothing on. There was something about a soldier or something who was killed in action, but the article disappeared literally overnight.

_So what they’re like a little squad?_

hehehe yeah, I guess you could say that.

_I like it._

Let’s get-

_Wait a second, wasn’t there- sorry for interrupting, but wasn’t there four of them?_

There was in the CCTV, yeah. I guess there’s a fifth who wasn’t at the scene? Or at least wasn’t on camera. There’s not really anything on the girl or the guy, but they pop up with the others a lot, so one of them is probably the fourth person.

_Alright, that checks out._ _Okay, go on, do your bit._

My bit? What are you- oh, you asshole.

_Go on._

(sigh) Let’s get into the theories.

_Let’s get into them._

I hate you. Our first theory is that the whole thing is a huge hoax, co-ordinated by the people who committed the crime as a cover up. This could explain why there doesn’t seem to be any more modern identification of the five, which could be linked to police records more definitively than old, blurry photos. There’s simply too much for the police to comb through, so their true identities remain uncovered. That being said, it does seem like a strange amount of effort to go to for a crime that they had essentially already gotten away with.

_Maybe they just wanted to make sure?_

Maybe, I just...if I was going to kill Albanian mobsters, I’d want to stay completely off the grid, not flood the web with hundreds of old-looking pictures of me. Also, the time it must have taken to edit the pictures that realistically-

_What if- oh sorry, carry on._

Nah, I was done anyway. What were you gonna say?

_What if, what if someone on the Internet started it, and then they saw it, and were just like ‘ might as well’, and posted loads of old-style pictures to throw everyone off._

Oh, so, they just used it to their advantage?

_Yeah._

I guess- I mean, there’s pretty much no digital presence of them at all. All the photos are physical copies which people have taken pictures of and then uploaded, same with the videos; most of them are recordings of recordings, like on VHS tapes or DVDs. There were a few links to pictures and videos, but all of them come up with 404 errors, so I guess they were taken down for forgery or something.

_hehehe forgery? What is this, a western?_

That’s a normal phrase!

_‘These gosh darn bandits and their forgeries!’_

(wheeze) What was I saying? Oh, yeah, so, this theory isn’t super plausible to me because it seems kinda pointless. The second theory is that the five are actually aliens, and they keep- hey, no, listen-

_A perfectly reasonable explanation isn’t plausible, but little shape-shifter creatures from outer space, that sounds realistic?!_

They appear in every country, in every century, how else would they do that?

_How would aliens do that, Ryan?! They check their little space watches, say ‘time for our regular appearance’, and fly down in their fucking saucer?_

‘Time to see what the humans have done in the last hundred years.’

_hahahahaha ‘It was the wheel last time, that was pretty cool!’_

hehehehehe okay, alright, the third theory is my favourite one.

_As long as it’s not Atlantis, can’t be worse than aliens._

So the third and final theory is that the five are actually immortal beings. This would explain their constant re-appearances in different places, as they would have the time to travel.

_Oh yeah, the biggest perk of being immortal is the travel benefits._

Shut up, Shane. Supposedly, there’s reports of other incidents of quote unquote ‘vigilante justice’ being carried out in areas they’ve been spotted in, by people of matching descriptions or ghosts. Not actual ghosts, but people who just disappeared. Some of these reports, too many to be a coincidence, in my opinion, cross over with where they’ve been photographed or caught on video.

_You say that like they’re a rare animal._

Being immortal explains the different places and different times, as well as something the other theories don’t: how they were able to take on ten Albanian mafia members and come out on top. If the reports tell the truth, then these people have been carrying out justice for possibly hundreds of years, leading the Internet to nickname them ‘The Old Guard’.

_The Old Guard. I like that. It’s catchy. Straight to the point._

What do you think of this theory?

_I like it. Especially if they’re a Robin Hood-type bunch! I love a good vigilante._

You don’t seem too bothered about the apparent existence of people who can’t die.

_Well, you know, it’s just the best of the three. It’s the funnest-_

Funnest?

_Most fun theory. And if they are immortal maybe, I don’t know, leave them alone? Let them live._

You aren’t interested in maybe, I don’t know, finding people who may have lived for centuries?

_It would be cool to talk with them, I guess. But at the same time, they obviously don’t be want to be found, and they don’t seem like the type of people I’d want to make enemies of._

Oh, that’s a good point.

_It’s not like we’re Albanian mobsters._

And even they got killed.

_Even they got killed._

Are these historical anomalies simply the result of a crime cover-up, or evidence of people who have been doing good for centuries, maybe millenia? Are they extraterrestrials, or something else all together? Let us know what you think in the comments. But whatever they are, they’re elusive and so for now the mystery will remain unsolved.

_You know what, Ryan, I take it back. I did like this._

You liked the conspiracy theory?

_Yeah, I did. Why not? I respect these immortals, and if they’re using it to help people then hey, that’s fine by me._

You telling them what to do?

_No! No, I am not._

Shane Madej, immortal law enforcement.

_Absolutely not. Ignore him. Guard, oldest g- what were they called again?_

The Old Guard.

_Old Guard, ignore my silly little friend here. Keep doing what you’re doing._

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies for the excessive use of (wheeze) and the laughs. I blame BuzzFeed. Fuck BuzzFeed. Sub to Watcher instead.  
> Leave a comment, message me, send me anonymous hate mail, whatever.  
> Tumblr is @manofmayonnaise


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